I AM RUINED

Disclaimer: This is a work of (ahem) fiction. Any resemblance to real-life people is completely unintended. 

A Message for Readers: Toxic relationships can destroy a person. The deeper you are in one, the harder it is to leave, because once you endure it once, you tell yourself it is not that bad. Such relationships pull you in like quicksand and even if you escape, they haunt you until you heal (if you heal). I wanted to capture that in a poem. I hope it helps my readers understand that staying in a toxic relationship is brave and so is leaving. You are a warrior either way, and the shame is not for you bear. 

(Picture from Pexels)

Sweet nothings and midnight conversations
I had been drowning in a dark, murky lake,
When the lighthouse, when you held out your hand
Pulling me into the embrace of safety and warmth.
 
Roaming the palace and gardens of your heart
I would seek out secrets and glimpses
Of love and affection, of care, of belonging,
The famished me desperate for another dose.
 
Dressing up in the prettiest gowns and petticoats
I would stand in front of you, hopeful and expectant
Searching your face for a smile, a nod of approval
But my nose, my hair, my eyes, my lips were never to your liking.
 
So I would turn to the crevices and corners of my memory
Of you, crafting presents with frill and pomp
That might please you, more than I ever could
But carrying the curse of my love, they would inconvenience you.
 
Feeling defeated, the parchment and feathered ink
Would become my canvas, poured out on them were
Stories I created, like unicorns out of sea foam
But reading them, indulging me, was out of character for you.
 
I did not know lying, not when it came to you,
So when you would demand to know the men before you
I would list off names, not realizing your face would contort
Branding me a whore, a woman without morals who dared to feel and fall.
 
It perplexed me so, but I never dared ask
You flirted with my handmaiden and called it jest
Even when you’d see my crestfallen face, her discomfort
Paying no heed to the suffering of my heart.
 
‘I made mistakes, and for those, I am sorry’
I would say as much, explain but never excuse,
But you would still disappear, a fair punishment,
And I would lay writhing in the pain of your absence.
 
Your slips of tongue and thoughtless remarks
That I would apologize for, consistently and always,
It was my folly to being hurt and maimed by them,
I was the monster, from the portrait you commissioned.
 
At the slightest inconvenience and discomfort
When the truth was too bitter for you to swallow
You would withdraw from the scene, from me
The progress we’d made dissolving and dissipating.
 
‘I feel hollow, carved out and spend my days in despair’
I would falter and tell you, bracing for the judgement
The judgement I never dished out when you wanted to give up
Conveniently forgetting the hand that held yours when hope slipped away.
 
I took the hits, one after another, piece by piece
This was a (love) language I was too naïve to understand,
Because I had never known any other
And now I am too damaged to even try.
 
You saved me, only to pick me apart,
I stayed because the love you dished out
Was the love I thought I deserved
The enduring became second-nature.
 
Taking small steps, walking away from you
Was like abandoning a battle I never signed up for
The shame of the abuse becoming my shadow
Reminding me of all the signs I ignored.
 
These days, I wake up screaming, drenched in sweat,
I trust no one, and I fear too much
For all the scars I bear, I have you to thank
You are my nightmare, holding me in a chokehold.
 
Thank you, my love,
I am ruined.