SUNSHINE

My face gleamed in the scissor blade. My hand shook, as I placed it between the friendship band elastic, closing my eyes as I heard a sharp snap. It fell to the ground, and my wrist felt empty, incomplete. I collapsed on my bed, trying to sink into the pillow and disappear. I could feel a surge of tears coming, sorrow mixed with anger. Turning to the side, I willed sleep to take me away from reality.

I was sitting on a bench, painted purple. There was a small stream cutting through the green, and across from it, I could see a Billboard Advertisement for Mang Dance Academy Auditions. Tall trees were dispersed, interspaced with sweet-scented strawberry bushes. The sun was partly hidden by a branch, and I strained to feel its warmth. Somewhere, amidst the calm and beauty of my surroundings, I felt a heaviness in my chest, a pain left untouched by dreams. I thought I was alone, until I heard footsteps behind me, and someone sat down on the bench kept back-to-back with my own. I could not see who it was, but I could hear light breathing, the scent of lavender.

“Hello,” the speaker’s voice had a melodious touch to it. I felt like I had heard it before, but I couldn’t place it.

“Hello.” I sounded mellow, and I wondered if this would make him get up and leave. Instead, he asked, “Did you cut again, today?” I was taken aback. How did he know? “I did. Third time this year.”

“What happened?” He sounded genuinely concerned, and something told me I could tell him anything, without facing judgement. I needed that desperately. “Betrayal, and the breaking of trust. I caught my best friend talking behind my back, insulting me, sharing my secrets to gain popularity points. I don’t think I mind everyone knowing about my mistakes, but this, this is hurt on a level unbearable.”

“What did she say?” “She apologised, but I couldn’t believe her. It seemed hollow and ingenuine. Can I really have faith in a person who does not know what it is to be honourable?”

“No, you cannot. No one should expect you to.” I felt gratitude, because up until that point, all my classmates and family members had asked me to give her a second chance. “How many times am I supposed to bear this? It is a wound, gashed open over and over again. It is too much, I want to give up.” I didn’t know if this had a real answer, but I wanted to know what he thought.

“If I asked you what made you the happiest, what would you say?” Immediately, I said, “Bringing a smile on other people’s face.”

“Can you make other people smile, without developing a relationship with them, without the personal touch?”

“No, I cannot," I admitted, "But it no longer seems worth it. It is like opening yourself to more agony, and for what?” I scoffed, questioning every decision I had ever made. 

“Do you really believe that every single human being in this world is good?" He paused for a second. I let his words sink in. "The truth is, that in your life, you will meet thousands, and a percentage of them will cause you inconvenience. It may be as small as making you wait for a meeting, to breaking your heart. What about the rest? What about the ones who will make you laugh, love you and bring light into your life? Are they undeserving of reciprocation, because a few apples turned out to be bad?”

I sighed. “It is exhausting. On some days, it is so hard to show cheerfulness, because inside, there is only darkness.”

“Well, nobody said being other people’s lighthouse would be... easy. When you are someone else’s sunshine, you give, unconditionally. Sometimes, it does not work out. It ends up backfiring, and you feel stung. To give up, to retract yourself and give in, that is not the solution. We make other people happy, knowing that we might get hurt. We prepare for it, we meet those challenges and then, we heal. Not all days are good days, they cannot be, otherwise we’d never appreciate that which is a blessing.”

I heard birds settle themselves on the branches, and start to hum. From a restaurant nearby, the fragrance of chicken noodle soup wafted, and I was reminded of the time Mama used to cook it for the family.

“What if it never gets better, what if we end up giving, all our life and never getting anything in return?”

“If you live your life with the belief that it is futile, that you are simply sacrificing and compromising, without reaping any benefit, then you would be disregarding the greatest gift you have been given: the ability to feel and to believe. What do humans strive on?” We spoke at the same time, “Hope.”

I felt him smile. “Precisely. You do not know what lies ahead, but you need to hope. You are not the kind of person who does anything to get something in return, you never have. It isn’t in your nature. Good people, they might have it hard in the beginning, but there is light at the end of tunnel.”

“Did you find it?” He laughed, “I did. Every now and then, I find myself backtracking into the tunnel, but I find my way out. You will too. What happened today, or what happened earlier, it is not a testament of your worth, or an indicator of the fact that you lack it. You will live for many years, before you find the people who will stay by your side, and for that, you must continue to be yourself, and be convicted of how this is the best version of you. Don’t let go of that, because one person could not appreciate it.”

“How are you so wise?” “Experiences.” I wondered the memories behind that word, what he went through, and how it shaped him to be who he was today. 

“Thank you, uh…”

“You can call me Hobi, everyone special to me does.”

I sensed movement behind me, and I turned around to see a trail of sparkles rise up to the sky, swaying the branch that covered the sun. My eyes fluttered open, for sunshine was falling on my face. I was not healed, but. I had a ray of hope.